Wednesday, October 09, 2013


Congratulations, you’ve just purchased Package 310:
Supernatural Opponents: The Maiden in the Tower.
Excellent choice, young lovers!

Renowned champions of consensuality,
We propose:

A custom elopement for one flaxen-braided maid and one bramble-blinded prince.

Get your pulse racing with a daring escape from an all-inclusive
Yet somewhat isolated tower - in your choice of silver or stone.
Find yourself pursued by your selection of villainess, be it ogress, fairy or sorceress.
Send your pursuer packing with a scattering of our proprietary blend of enchanted nuts.

(Once released, most nuts convert to dog, lion or wolf.
Actual results may vary. Selection based on seasonal availability.)

From there, we’ll tend to all but the basest of your remaining unanswered wants:

Treat your coiled, rumpled plaits to a scalp massage, color and trim
(Those split-ends look like they’ve been clambered on for a hundred years, my dear).

Sate your appetites with our award-winning regional wines and a hearty meal
featuring our signature breadsticks and all the parsley pesto you can handle.

Then, my osculating oddballs, you’re on your own -
Off to explore what remains of your Ever After,
And that is certainly not covered by the limits of our package warranty.

Against the hopes pinned on one’s future,
Most any prince is rarely ever matched fairly.
Even more challenging to be paired with such a lass
Whose hair requires more than a little letting down.

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