Tip.

Tips.

What a good idea that can go so very bad. Pay a person just enough that they will show up for work, and then allow the customer to determine what the service was worth - good if the customer isn't a cheap bastard and good if the waitstaff isn't as dumb as a post.

No offense to posts intended.

I tip 20% in almost every case. But my litmus for service is typically the closing of the meal, namely the delivery and retrieval of the bill with payment.

Restaurants use one of two methods, the open plate on which rests the receipt (face down is best), or the secretive bill-fold in which hides the bill. This is a little more distinctive, but tends to lend itself to a question I cannot abide, "Would you like change?"

WOULD I LIKE CHANGE?

Don't ever ask me this. Tip goes directly to ZERO and cannot be resuscitated, no matter how sweet you may have been during the entire meal. DOA.

Such an ignorant question - so presumptuous and rude. How about, "I will be right back with your receipt/change/what-have-you."? How about that? That gives me the option to say, "That would be nice, thank you," or perhaps, "No change, thank you." That is my option to exercise, not the waitstaff to assume.

Have you met the victims of assumptions? Always the last to know.

WOULD I LIKE CHANGE?

Grrrr... that question burns me. Bad question. Bad.

Then, let's just say we have survived this test, here's the second part which you must be clever enough to dodge: You are bringing me change, this change will be used to make a tip, don't make me have to ask you to break the change in to smaller change so that I may tip appropriately.

If the change is fifty bucks from one hundred, don't bring me a ten and two twenties. That is an assumption that you are due a 20% tip. It irks me. It makes me want to leave you the metal coins and a handwritten note to your parents about their rearing techniques. Maybe even the need to finally wean you.

How about a twenty, two tens, a five, and five ones. That is respactable and earns you your 20% for not being an ass.umer.

Have you met the victims of assumptions? Always the last to know.

I guess this is really asking a lot of a wait person. I really am good for the 20%. I know a lot of people I eat with are clueless and tip poorly; I attempt to educate where I can. I was educated by a friend who waits tables for a living. And MAKES a living at it. I understand it better, though I only waited tables for one evening in my life. That one evening was all it took to convince me not to do it again. And that a wait person, even some of the worst, work very hard to keep it all together and not plunge a steak knife in the heart of an aggressive diner.

WARNING: Aggressive diner imaging in use.

Put the fork down, step out of the booth, sir.