Amazon.com: Akethan's review of The Schoolgirl's Atlas (New Women's Voices...

Amazon.com: Akethan's review of The Schoolgirl's Atlas (New Women's Voices...:

"The world on paper..." - I first encountered Morris's poetry in the Gay & Lesbian Review. It featured her poem "Cliffside" and I wanted to read more of her poetry. While that poem is not in this colle
ction - this collection is filled to the brim with very personal and trusting moments that I enjoyed. Morris's directness and honesty in her style is what hooked me. Right from the opener: "Desire became a country where I lived," Morris invited me in to her journey. Sparks of individuality are paired with shared experiences: "for everything is almost about to happen", "I left the ocean for you", "The list is the affliction / My foremothers brought out of Egypt" and -

"Don't toy with it/
It is the work of decades
In a bowl."

I have re-read this chapbook several times over the last two weeks. I want to pass this along to a friend - so another is going in today's cart for order.

Amazon.com: Akethan's review of Call Me by Your Name: A Novel

Amazon.com: Akethan's review of Call Me by Your Name: A Novel

"Grow up. I'll see you at midnight." This book won me over - but I was well-near 1/3 in when it happened. The stream of conscious angst of a teenager - swinging from highs to lows and back - was neatly done, but almost drowned out any compassion for young Elio. Elio vibrates with constant need offset by awkward uncertainty. It is so raw and so real, to me, it was painful to read and struck close to home.

The author's writing at all times is sharp and fantastic. It calls up some great lines and fantastic images: "youth has no shame, shame comes with age"; "I was circling wagons around my life"; "unreal joy, joy with a noose tied around it"; "I'm tied up in so many knots that I need the Gordian treatment"; "all that remains is dreammaking and strange rememberance".

What made this story a keeper - was it's Narnia moments: "It never occurred to me that I had brought him here not just to show him my little world, but to ask my little world to let him in." - "where I dreamed of you before you came into life." The truth in the notion that in opening up to anyone - there's that fear of having what is mine rejected or having what is mine doing the rejecting. The heart versus the brain versus the spirit. And the award of acceptance: "two nights ago you added an annual ring to my soul." The story holds strong with that effect - and its counterpoint: "time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more."

The growth of Elio through his opening - in heart and in spirit - is great to follow as he ages and progresses through his love and his understanding of his love for Oliver.

'a little bit' by Stuart Crowther

POEM: Prospero's Prospect, by Jay Johnson

This I abjure:
rough young magicians with red hair
and freckles and the memories
of them which have dissolved me in tears.
Full fathom five
my father lies and my beloved
and my beloved and
the ones I thought, however briefly
beloved
and of their bones is coral made
and of my heart
is hope squeezed not quite dry.
Even as the leaves cover paths
and grasses parch, there is nothing
but expectation
of the island, the prospect
of the buoys tolling in the sea
the cloudless sky
the spells
for which no longer have I breath,
of the final nothing at all.

                               JAY JOHNSON
                               as featured in the Gay & Lesbian Review

POEM: The Dump, by Thom Gunner

THE DUMP

He died, and I admired
the crisp vehemence
of a lifetime reduced to
half a foot of shelf space.
But others came to me saying,
we too loved him, let us take you
to the place of our love.
So they showed me
everything, everything--
a cliff of notebooks
with every draft and erasure
of every poem he
published or rejected,
thatched already
with webs of annotation.
I went in further and saw
a hill of matchcovers
from every bar or restaurant
he'd ever entered. Trucks
backed up constantly,
piled with papers, and awaited
by archivists with shovels;
forklifts bumped through
trough and valley
to adjust the spillage.
Here odors of rubbery sweat
intruded on the pervasive
smell of stale paper,
no doubt from the mound
of his collected sneakers.
I clambered up the highest
pile and found myself
looking across not history
but the vistas of a steaming
range of garbage
reaching to the coast itself. Then
I lost my footing! and was
carried down on a soft
avalanche of letters, paid bills,
sexual polaroids, and notes
refusing invitations, thanking
fans, resisting scholars.
In nightmare I slid,
no ground to stop me,

until I woke at last
where I had napped beside
the precious half foot. Beyond that,
nothing, nothing at all.

© 1998 Thom Gunn

WalkDanceTalkSign --- Or Sit Down & Shut Up

I was recently introduced to this post in a blog:

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2005/07/watching-defectives.html

Youse talkin' to me?
So up came the topic of Pride's possible irrelevance, and I can say - I DID read the rant (loosely termed 'article') that the link led me to.

And I read it again - and still - this is a writer who wants an excuse to celebrate 'being gay'. And wants Pride to be the thing he enjoys and the parade that no one poops on.

Well, I step up to fling my poo.

"Why don't the papers ever show the NORMAL gay people? Where are the bankers and lawyers? Why must all the coverage be drag queens and leather freaks in ass-less chaps?"
I don't enjoy "Pride" - either as a political statement (which I don't believe it is any longer) or a 'celebration' (which I don't find very amusing or festive). So I don't attend - and I leave it to those that are seeking a chance to just let loose and express their individuality.

Knock yourselves out. No really.

I don't care if Pride survives or dries up completely in its current state. To me, it is irrelevant. But to me so is Styx or Huey Lewis & The News when they are on tour. I'm not buying tickets to sit through those performances - even if I hum along with their tunes.

Lisa Simpson: "You're here every year. We ARE used to it."

When there is a gay event (or any sort of event) that resonates with me, I will be there to show my support and my individuality in spades. Just as I have done, every day of my life, with friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers. No need for special occasions, thousands of bodies massed around me chanting, or autos wrapped in chicken wire and tucked with tissue paper.

Jew/Holocaust/Worn Out Cliches aside - this side says - "ooh icky drag queens and leather bears" - that side says "ooh boring yuppy gays with normal yuppy lives" - and each side hisses and spits at the other.

"They wish we were invisible. We're not. Let's dance.

Well, then dance - every day, in front of everyone you know. And ask them to dance with you. And dance with the people you want to dance with - whether they are your people/your tribe or not.

The lovely Kethrai introduced me to a quote a long time ago: "If you can walk you can dance. If you can talk you can sing." - Zimbabwe Proverb

Mouse or Elephant?, 2

A bit of a collection of recent rants - specifically about being gay, in the military (or like field), where gay isn't wanted:

Why did I go into the military?

[x] Parents divorced
[x] Living situation sucked
[x] No money for college
[x] Grew up fast and learned a lot

All of the above here.

I would never undo my time in the military. I learned too much, grew a lot as a person - and met some of my truest friends. BUT, I can't imagine having enlisted for another 4 yrs.

Making sure you have a strong ring around you is important.

I guess - you just have to find a group of folks that can be balanced and impartial - yet, at the same time give a gentle nudge, slap or kick as needed when you're feeling low.

My friends and family have always provided - in abundance.

As for the 'why did you enlist?', 'why do you stay?', 'have you lost all sense of reason and dignity?' type questions and comments: PIFFLE.

These are the questions you are strapped with already. Folks either have to be open to the fact you are there - or - well, zip it.

Whether the military is the most choice place to be as a homosexual or not - but for bending the rules, but for breaking into areas where folks would prefer you just don't go - it just holds everybody down.

There are so many things that someone has to do - and someone might be gay or straight - and if someone gay goes into the military, and succeeds daily despite all of the weight and obstacles that can trip that person up - don't knock that person down.

Salute them. Support them.

Some folks seem to find it incredibly easy to say - 'it's all or nothing' - come out or keep quiet.

A quote from one such folk:"What I am saying is that you are not powerless over your situation.

You have choices, and as always there is a consequence to every choice. Its life."

And as such - a person has the right to ask for help and support from other folks.

If the idea is that no one should ever approach something that's unattainable - or that a person should only do the things that allow them to be who they want to be, when they want to be, without any 'filtering' or without any weight for the consequences of their actions, what a friggin' scary place the world would be. Or may be becoming.

I would ask these free-wheeling folks, what is your life experience - your age, what you do for a living, where you live, etc. Those things have an impact on how you relate to the world. And may make it very black & white for you with regards to your sexuality.

One of the things I sometimes find perplexing about change in society is how slowly and then quickly and then slowly it occurs. And how sometimes it occurs without people realizing it. And sometimes it takes very sudden and unexpected slides backwards.

SO - that so many folks today can say they are out - to spoon in theatres, to check out other guys in malls, etc. - how many gay people in the previous generation(s) had to filter, had to slip into roles that required a little alteration of personality - and then had to come out to the right people at the right time?

And how about those who remain firmly in place on 'fronts' where they were unexpected, undesired, or not permitted - silent and waiting: agents of change.

You Will Be... You.

On the supposed "assimilation of gay culture into mainstream society..."

Borg? Where?

The idea that cultures move closer and further apart - is a constant theme in America. I see things that amuse and frustrate me to no end in how people strive to be different and cry for acceptance.

- Straight guys that dress as gay or gayer than any gay guy - adopting fashions, hairstyles, shoes that many gay men would shy away from. Of course, I sometimes suspect their girlfriends had a hand in this.- A black subculture in our country that has moved further from mainstream - creating its own vocabulary, music and idealogy. Very successfully. Only to find itself adopted and emulated.- Immigrant cultures that fear the loss of their own languages and customs as their children strive to melt into the culture which surrounds them. And watching as the culture which surrounds them adopts and emulates food, music, styles, etc. from the incomers.

Sexuality is integral to my being. But it is the least of the things that affect those I work with and socialize with. And it is the final thing I purposefully reveal - it is mine to do with what I will. It is not who I am. And should not be the thing by which I am weighed and measured.

I believe this is why - in polite society and company - it is customary to shake hands at meeting and not some other appendage.

Gay culture is a part of the world - threading itself neatly in and out of favor and in and out of history. Within the gay subset - individuals have found and will continue to find ways to reinvent and redefine themselves - over and over again.

Folks in the world will continue to see a thing they like - and in an effort to set themselves apart - they will adopt and emulate the things they see that they find pleasing or unique. Some social butterfly effect, a pebble dropped in a pond...

Defenders of ...

Whether I would be the marrying type or not - everytime I see this bumper sticker:



I want to just slam my car into the back of the car the sticker is on, shoving the bumper right up the arse of the hunch-backed, coke-bottle wearing, zit-squeezing "Defender of Marriage" with stray facial hair nervously gripping the steering wheel.

*With apologies to any non-Defenders who may be hunch-backed, coke-bottle wearing, or zit-squeezing. As for facial hair: razor, tweezer, wax - you decide.

Marriage

Gay and Otherwise: Marriage

Personal choice as it affects that individual.

I've been in long-term relationships. I've been in short-term ... engagements.

If you meet somebody and you *click* - and you are together with an understanding b/t the two of you (or three or four) - that's a [spiritual] union. And if that lasts 2 weeks or 80 years, it's your life and choice.

The LEGAL allowances and protections inherent to the Married. I think that is the aim. And these are things that are so quickly denied or stripped away.

The UNION decision is b/t the parties involved - and/or their friends & family they invite to witness their connection. And who support them. And if you are involved in a faith - and your faith embraces your Union - fantastic.

Of course... I have never been inclined towards the fanciness of marriage. And sometimes, witnessing folks that are desperate to achieve marriage - and then are made so unhappy by it - I wonder:

"Why would you wish this on anyone?"

AND when I see a couple skipping through the aisles of Target, zapping merchandise into their registry with the merchandise stun gun - I am emotionally overwhelmed with

An urge to slap their heads together Stooges-style.

But that's me - and I am Gay. But not as Gay as some others in my Tribe.

Defense of Marriage

As for the Defense of Marriage - what the heck are people thinking anymore? It's all very separate - your state can approve/disapprove your legal union; your church can approve/disapprove your spiritual union. You make your choices accordingly - pick your church; vote your state into your way of thinking. In theory - right? In a Democracy - right?

A friend sent this to me today - and I thought I'd add it here:

*Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.

*Bob Dole - divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.

*Newt Gingrich - divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.

*Dick Armey - House Majority Leader - divorced

*Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas - divorced

*Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced

*Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced

*George Will - divorced

*Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced

*Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.

*Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "BobBarr...WHICH marriage are you defending?!?

*Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced

*Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)

*Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced

*Henry Kissinger - divorced

*Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced

*Sen. John McCain of Arizonia - divorced

*Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced

*Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced

I may not be the marryin' kind - I like it out there on the open prairie (?) - but if I wanted to marry one day or form a legal union with a consenting partner - WHY DOES IT FRIGGIN' MATTER TO ANYONE ELSE?

At the Age o' 33

...tiptoes in...

I had this boss - a fairly good-looking 50-something gentleman... balding, wrinkles, normal wear-n-tear.

He went on a two month "vacation".

He returned with a blondish-orange crew-cut rug. He returned with raised cheek bones, a slightly hooked aquiline nose, a be-dimpled chin. And he returned with eyebrows raised to the heavens. Some kind of tattoing process?

He never mentioned it. He acted like we couldn't tell and as if he'd always looked this way.

To me, he had lost his character. And - it actually felt like a bit of his soul, too. He was obviously concious of his changes, but really carried on as if this was the set of features he'd been born with.

So I always wonder... at the age o' 33... what would I do? What will I feel about myself as I age? Will it be easier than it seems or harder than it ought to be?

And at most given moments, I just try to go with the flow, take care of myself: exercise, eat, sleep, learn, and laugh as hard as I can everytime the opportunity presents itself.

Ugly Is...

I am working my way up to a simmer...

Why do so many people have an inherent need to destroy and dissemble every view point that is not their own?

I have been a member of a community group for nearly three years that is somewhat grass-roots.

And they have just sent out their latest newsletter with an article lambasting (word?) another local organization for supporting the Boy Scouts - or in actuality, permitting the Scouts to meet.

Supporting the Scouts is discrimination.

Tearing the Scouts out by the root is apparently not.

A witch hunt is a witch hunt. Even if it is a bunch of frustrated members of a minority group performing the task.

Ugly is.

More on this later...

---

~10:50pm

I'm starting to think more about all of it - and sometimes it makes my head hurt.

1) The operators of the community center make a space available to those who pay for their time - there are rules, I am sure - still, the BSA are welcome, the GLBT (gay-lesbian-bi-trans) group is welcome.

2) The GLBT group I belong to is attacking the community center for making the space available to the BSA. The BSA doesn't protest the GLBT group using the space. The GLBT group is not going to stop using the space and find a new home. They suddenly want the community center to eject the BSA (both have been there for a number of years).

3) The BSA believes a certain thing. The GLBT believes a certain thing. They don't believe the same thing. GLBT is encouraging a public pressure on the community center.

4) Does anybody get to win?

I don't like hate/exclusion/archery or its propagation. I spent my time in the Navy and don't understand the hooplah about Gays in the military. I don't get what the BSA thinks its ban on gays accomplishes. If they're there, they're there. Some of the young scouts are about the age where they will just be coming aware of their sexual yen.

I am just curious what others think, too. My initial reaction to the letter was, "My GLBT group is a bunch of Plugs."

However, what others have said to me today resonates on a different plane than I was thinking on - so I am stepping back and thinking about it...

I guess the pressure thing is what it is - it works, it fails, it frustrates.

---

~ 08.12.01

I believe in a way I am glad that someone is choosing this battle -

But it took me off guard to find that a group I have identified with very well, and seen eye-to-eye with on so many issues is the group raising the battle cry.

And I find myself suddenly feeling outside the group.

My people. My tribe.

I think that writing this out has helped me see it is that really from which my initial reaction comes.